


Our Beast

by kanekicure



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Victor accept himself with Yuuri, Yuuri accepts himself too, Yuuri helps Victor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 05:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9976823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekicure/pseuds/kanekicure
Summary: Yuuri knows it should hurt. He knows he should be offended by Victor’s tone when he said ‘people’ as if they were aliens. But Yuuri sat there, in the silence of his room as the video kept playing. Victor voice was back to it’s chiper way; but no one could ignore the obvious quiver to it.Yuuri blinked- maybe Victor was like him?No- it seemed so impossible, yet, in many ways, so likely.~~~In which Yuuri fights a beast, and doesn't realize the person he idolizes is fighting the same one.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The Beast = Self Hatred and Homophobia  
> Please enjoy! My writing is shit right now, but I've had this idea for awhile so I just went with it haha.

Yuuri always knew he wasn’t straight.

Yuuri was sitting on a bench, with his only two friends at his side when he realized this.  A TV was blaring on his right, but he was staring at the book in his hand until, Yuuko eyes had widened at something on the screen and her arm shot out.

“Yuuri look!” And Yuuri did, he looked and in that moment he felt the air leave his chest. Yuuko was blabbing on about something- Victor, his name was Victor, was all he bothered to gather. Because, his heart quickened, and now he understood the feeling that Takeshi had described to him. The one he had felt whenever they were with Yuuko. Yuuri thought he was broken, but maybe he wasn’t-

Until he was quickly informed by the boys at school he was. He should be getting those feelings for a _girl_ , not a boy- they informed him.  And he tried to argue that he had before, tried to tell him he wasn’t broken but they didn’t seem to hear him over their own voices shouting vile words his way. That’s when Yuuri found ‘the beast’ as he liked to put it- the thing that kept him prisoner to his own feelings. And whenever he rose his voice to say something that the beast didn’t believe in, it would bare it’s nasty teeth and its voided eyes. Yuuri would choose to stay silent.

His family was loving, and accepting though. But the beast scared him, he sat at night, glancing up at the posters on his wall and frown.

Why was he wrong? The beast snarled at that thought too.

Yuuri always tried to sort out his emotions or his feelings. He knew he was attracted to Yuuko, but he couldn’t deny the crushes on the boys in his class- or one boy specifically. He idolized Victor of course, he wanted to skate on the same ice as him one day. But the fantasies that would play in his mind at night- or the the impossibly fast heart rate he had whenever Victor was mentioned. The beast didn’t like that- or the posters covering his room.

Yuuri thought he was the only one that had to deal with the monster in his head, but when Yukko had sent him a new interview from Victor- Yuuri’s perspective on life changed slightly.

_“So Mr. Nikiforov, the world want’s to know! Why haven’t you picked out a pretty lady?” The interviewer had asked, and Yuuri watched his idol’s eyes grow large. He reached up to fiddle a piece of his long hair._

_“Ah, I guess i just haven’t found the right girl yet.” He grinned but the response was obviously rehearsed, repeated thousands of times. It was broken. Forced._

_Victor was nervous now, his eyes kept shifting to something behind the camera and then the ground. The interviewer didn’t seem satisfied with the 18 year old boy’s answer. “Is that really it though? Mr. Nikiforov is it possible you don’t want a lady?”_

_Yuuri watched the beast wrap it’s ugly hands around Victor’s throat, “What makes you say that?” His words were breathless. The beast was holding tighter._

_“Well, the world always wonders if the possibility is you are ga-” The words never got to leave the interviewer's mouth before Victor rose his hand up. The desperation was clear to anymore who understood._

_“No! No! You have the wrong idea-” The beast held tighter, it’s teeth bare- “I’m not like those people.”_

Yuuri knows it should hurt. He knows he should be offended by Victor’s tone when he said ‘people’ as if they were aliens. But Yuuri sat there, in the silence of his room as the video kept playing. Victor voice was back to it’s chiper way; but no one could ignore the obvious quiver to it.

Yuuri blinked- maybe Victor was like him?

No- it seemed so impossible, yet, in many ways, so likely.

~~~

Yuuri’s wondered that for many years, even when he watched Victor cut his hair. Show off his new, model, girlfriends. Victor was obviously not homophobic, but whenever the terms about sexuality came up. Victor was always the first one to leave.

Yuuri wondered and wondered, until Victor was standing in front of him.

Yuuri was numb- and felt oh so gay when Victor hand brushed against his own. When he lowered his voice or stared at Yuuri with those eyes. Fuck this man was going to kill him.

His friends gave him a sympathetic look whenever Victor was getting too close, too kind and too seductive? And off handedly, he wondered if Victor ever found out that Yuuri was gay- would he leave? Would he be disgusted? Or would he understand.

Yuuri got his answer when Victor decided to kiss him in front of thousands people. It was quick- but the action was unmistakable. Victor’s lips on his own as they stumbled backwards, Yuuri feeling his hand going to cup his head to either bring him closer or protect his head from the impact of the ice below. He guessed both.

And than Victor pulled up- and fuck, Yuuri had never seen someone so happy and terrified at the same time.

~~~

Even as Victor helped him off the ice, he seemed flustered and Yuuri wasn’t use to seeing his coach so out of it. Did Victor regret it? Was Victor just playing with him? Or had Yuuri been right all those years ago.

They passed by Yakov who smiled, and it was weird to see on the man’s face. But Victor smiled back- and the moment past like it never happened as they walked past each other like strangers again.

Yuuri was confused.

He then realized Victor was holding his hand, and holy shit Victor Nikiforov had just kissed him on national TV and was holding his hand. It was so surreal, but also felt so right- he even forgot about the beast he had made up in his head as a child so long ago.

~~~

It wasn’t until they were in the hotel that they properly talked.

On the taxi ride to the hotel Victor hadn’t let go of his hand, Yuuri noted that he was shaking and even as they went to their rooms- Victor picked to follow Yuuri into his own. Yuuri told him he needed to use the washroom and the silver haired man nodded his head and sat down on his bed.

Yuuri pushed into the washroom and stared at himself in the mirror, he had just kissed the man he had loved since was twelve-  

“Holy fuck.” He muttered under his breath before smiling, this was okay. He didn’t hear the angry hisses, or voices of hate in the back of his head anymore. Though he was painfully aware he would getting an earful from Yukko tonight on the phone.

Once Yuuri had gathered himself in the bathroom he went out to find that Victor was turning off his phone and throwing it hastily onto his bed, there was an undeniable tension suddenly. Yuuri shifted awkwardly in the spot he was standing in, and opened his mouth to speak but Victor turned his head to face him.

And started crying.

Yuuri panicked, he didn’t know what to do. His body went into flight mode, his anxiety kicked to full force and a million things flooded into his mind at once.

“Victor? Oh my god- I’m sorry! Why are you crying, did I do something? Did I just ruin-”

“Yuuri!” Victor tried laughing but it cracked and broke off pathetically. He wiped away his tears but they kept coming and so did the small laughs, he was smiling. “I’m happy, I’m happy, please calm down.”

The beast was gone. Just like that- ripped from his and Victor mind and it felt so fucking good.

Yuuri was moving before thinking, wrapping his arms loosely around the older man’s shoulder, who hummed happily. Turning to bury his face into his neck, “Thank you so much Yuuri.”

And then Yuuri kissed him. The words died off as an awkward nose escaped Victor before he kissed back, his hands tracing his jaw before reaching up to tangle into his hair. Yuuri heart was slamming against his chest, because well, he just kissed Victor fucking Nikiforov. It was better than winning gold, it had to be. It was better than winning every medal you could- and he was praying to any god that would listen, that this wouldn’t end.

Of course the kiss ended when Victor finally pulled away because the tears were too much. He wiped them away as a red tint danced across his cheeks.

“So many years Yuuri.” He cracked, “I said so many things- did so many things. But now,” He looked up and smiled at Yuuri. Who was still trying to process the fact that he had just kissed Victor. “I can stop lying, thanks to you.”

“Me?”

He looked up at Victor who only smiled wider, “Yuuri, I’m so fucking gay.” He was giggling now, it was so soft and Yuuri started silently worrying if Victor was going into hysterics. “And you made me realize I can’t run for it, 27 years, Yuuri. I’ve been running from something- from myself.”

“The beast.” Yuri said softly without realizing it and Victor blinked,

“What?” And Yuuri face went red as he stuttered out a quick nothing before grasping Victor’s hands tighter. Encouraging him to keep talking to which Victor sniffed and laughed lightly again.

“I don’t have to lie anymore.” He whispered, pressing his forehead to Yuuri’s and reaching out to cup his cheeks. “I’m free.”

The simple statement made Yuuri grin, “We’re free.” He agreed and Victor went in for another kiss, which Yuuri really wasn’t really complaining about.

~~~

Yuuri knew Victor grew up in Russia, and he knew how Russia treated homosexual things. So it didn’t come to a surprise that Victor had lied for so many years and put so much effort into being with woman to cover himself up. But there had to be something more that Yuuri was missing- something bigger. Something that had forced Victor to lie so harshly for so many years, something worst than the beast that Yuuri made up in his head.

So when they went to Russia after the GPF, Yuuri tried not to be upset by the fact that Victor lost his usual clinginess. Even holding hands was something he didn’t seem too fond of doing, but every now and then, there was a soft press of their hands and Victor would give him an apologetic smile.  

When they were at Victor’s apartment, Yuuri noted that Victor was shaking again, like the night they first kissed. His hands quivering with the keys in hand, and for a second Yuuri thought he was going to break into a panic attack.

“Vitya?” He asked, and Victor forced a smile onto his face. “Are you going to be okay?”

The silence stretched between them, the question hanging in the air. Victor sighed, “I’ll be okay, Yuuri.” He moved up the steps to unlock the door.

Right, no pet names from Victor right now. That was okay, for now anyways.

~~~

Getting use to the new area, and St. Petersburg hellish weather was difficult. But as Victor started warming back into his usual self, things were getting easier. He started wrapping his arms around him in public and leaving small kisses on his cheeks, or holding their hands together as they walk Makkachin down the freezing streets.

Things were starting to feel normal again, until Yuuri finally met the beast that Victor grew up with.

They were walking together, alone. Their hands interlaced as they walked through town, Victor pointing out spots he use to go as a teenager or young adult. Everything was going great until Yuuri felt Victor stop dead in his tracks.

“Yuuri stop.” The words were rushed and evident panic swelled onto his usually soft features. Yuuri listened and stopped too, trying to follow Victor’s graze but a gruff voice broke through the crowd.

“Is that you, Victor?” And Yuuri thought Victor was going to faint, he seemed to deage to a five year old boy who was about to get a scolding from his parent. Victor yanked his hand out of Yuuri’s, as a tall man came into their sight.

He looked nothing like Victor. His eyes were a dull green, and he seemed to be going bald, his chin sporting obvious scruff that hadn’t been bothered to shave.

“Victor, my boy! You came into town and you didn’t tell me.” He was coming close now and Victor was frozen in place, he’s breathing coming in uneven gasps. “I haven’t seen you in years!” The man started going in for a hug and Yuuri had never seen Victor flinch so hard as the looming man raised his hands. He was shrinking into himself.

“Dad?” The words came from his lips so broken, and everything seem to click into Yuuri’s mind.

Yuuri found himself stepping in front of Victor, almost as a barrier between the two. The man frown, his gaze flicking to Yuuri.

“Who are you?” The words were cold, his eyes were like the void and Yuuri hated them. He hated the man, the beast, huffing in front of him. And he had only known him for a total of 2 minutes.

But now Yuuri didn’t know what to say, what would be better for Victor? Should he lie? Or tell the truth? “I’m his frie-” Yuuri decided to start with but Victor interrupted. Suddenly being shoved behind the older man, Yuuri blinked in surprise.

“He’s my fiance dad. I’m surprise the news hasn’t reached you yet.” Victor was standing taller now, but his hand was still shaking. His voice was firm, but Yuuri could still make out the small quiver of a 16 year old boy who was still- so afraid.

This was so much worst than the self hated Yuuri had in the back of his mind growing up, the hatred he decided to call a ‘beast.’ This was a real monster, it was here in front of him and no amount of therapy sessions could get rid of it.

“Oh, so this was man you pulled that little stunt with.” Yuuri faded back into reality to see he’s was pulling his lips back into a sneer of disgust, the kind act fading faster than it had started.  “You never returned my texts or calls.”

“Cause I didn’t want to hear what you had to say. I already got an ear full when I was younger.” Victor hissed, and the man laughed. Victor sighed softly before turning to leave. Taking Yuuri’s hand within his own.

The man growled, his eyes darkening - “I raised a faggot.”

Simple words they were, but held such a punch that they caused Yuuri to see white, his breath caught in his throat and he prepared himself to turn around and smash his fist (which has never been used for violence mind you) into that pig’s face.

But Victor laughed, it was light and airy. Breaking Yuuri out of his trance “Yeah you did! If you wanna call what you did ‘parenting.’” Victor looked over his shoulder, “Please don’t bother making contact with me. I’m perfectly happy without you.”

The beast tried to shut out insults, in Russian and English. Something about disowning Victor, something about how gross they were, something else about how they’d be punished. But eventually it drowned away, into the background noise of the busy streets. Yuuri glanced up at the silver haired man who was, much to his surprise, smiling. And was staring down at Yuuri with the tender look that Yuuri recognized as the one he was given after the first time they kissed.

And before Yuuri could say anything, Victor spun around and did just that. A kiss, in public. In Russia, with his fuming father not far behind. But Yuuri could feel the small smile against his lips, and the soft murmur of words-

“I’m free.”

Yuuri only kissed him back harder.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope it wasn't too weird? Idk, I just sorta wrote and I spent so long on it to not post it somewhere lmaoo


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